We have for sale some of my garden birds all lovely birds if you need to no more you can phone

Is that cranberry juice - No that's my girlfriend - She's beautiful like a piece of fruit tho

Why are we lying in the parking lot?

I don't do hashtags, i'm gonna use the percent sign %controversy

You know Homer it's very easy to criticize - Fun too

Can Dobby have some chicken?

Color-blind Johnny still thinks that he solves Rubik's Cube in 14 seconds

There is this guy on the bus who calls himself Jeff.

Wow, these free toolbars are great said no one ever

Plays call of duty 60 hours straight - Butters bread like this

And here we see dizzy gillespie, storing jazz in his cheeks for the coming winter

So how was school today - It was good until the fire nation attacked

Tell us about the pieces you're wearing - What do you mean? Like this is the top, and this is the bottom

Dreams are really weird because you don't question the reality of them at all.

That ballot is stronger than the bullet - Lincoln

I'm angry at you and i'm not talking to you today and tommorow

So dumb guys go for dumb girls, and smart guys go for dumb girls? What do smart girls get? Cats mostly

I play Spiderman's girlfriend Gwen Stacy, who is a dynamic and brilliant science student

What if people had food names and food had people names

It's not bacon, it's a pig

A ship shipping ship shipping shipping ships

I didn't choose the thug life - The thug life said "i choose you"

My sister Jen droped her iPhone in the oven an it cough fire and i had to put it out

That awkward moment you run out of toilet paper and have to use your undershirt instead

My dearest Emily

Why ";P" creeps me out

I don't have a meth lab (never ever). Leave me alone

When a person cries and the first drop of tears comes from the right eye, it's from happiness.

What's an empty old suit of armor doing in the driver seat of this pick-up?

If you think about it, the process of singing the birthday song and cutting the cake is extremely satanic

Oh that's a nice photo of a man and his dog - Nope, Hitler

My sister tried out the iphone 5 panorama effect

When you're upset just imagine a t-rex making a bed

Leaving your window open in Canada

Einstein developed a theory about space and it was about time too

Your pregnant again? You ruined the surprise - No one is surprised

Can't play in the back yard - Hornets

I love you - Oh, i bet you say that to all your Apple products

I should probably shave my legs soon they're starting to get a little harry

Congrats - On what? - Getting engaged - Oh yeah lol

I left three notes around the flat for my girlfriend to find. They are "will", "you" and "me?".

Hostile Hunter Killer Drone Inbound

Today i saw one moderately attractive girl surrounded by a group of 8 or 9 fedora-clad awkward dudes all trying to talk to her

Please go away grandma, i'm trying to work here

I love globes actually, cause you can never remember where all the countries are.

Student's creed - Everything is due, nothing is submitted

If your bra is too tight, it's uncomfortable.

Regular Flan - Almond Flan

She looks like the kind of girl who acts all sweet, then when gets criticism goes home and microwaves her hamster