Me to my therapist after my therapy session: thanks it did not work you are the best

I am the lorax and i speak for the trees - The trees say - Something in Vietnamese

When you inject your beard wih steroids and it starts developing killer abs

Dad, I want an iphone x - What's the secret word son? - Karen - Who is karen? Your lover dad - Do you want it with a case too?

Stock Market:*Crashes* 1929 Bussinessman: play me some of that jumping music

Priests - 30 pieces of silver - Judas

11 PM: just one more YouTube video before I go to sleep - 3 AM: Gordon Ramsay cannot locate the lamb sauce

Me trying to enjoy my life - Mariah Careys 1994 hit All I want for Christmas is you

Nothing says get well soon mom like an 85 pound mammal who believes his love is the cure

Did you survive? Yes, What did it cost? Everything

Did you know that one in three people is a capitalist pig - I'm not a capitalist, me neither - Lenin and stalin

When you are a viet cong warrior and the bushes starts speaking capitalist

Julius Caesar: Ok fine - I'll come out for a beer but I'm not gonna defy the senate and march into Rome - 10 beers later

When your grandmother gets you appointed as emperor and then has you assassinated 4 years later

Lawyer: where were you on the night of the murder? Me: at my girlfriends - Lawyer: and who is she? - Me: you wouldn't know her she goes to another school

Females defending the guy that ct1eated on them 15 times - don't touch my garbage!

bruh Teletubbies is the most boring show on earth - It won't be boring when your family finds you dead in a ditch

Teachers when a kid is showing serious signs of mental health issues - Teachers when a student is on their phone

When scientists blame teenage depression completely on technology and social media - hey give a little credit to our public schools

Wow an arrow, so original

The American government, watching the American people watching as the French government buckles to the demands of French rioters

Glass coffins - Will they be popular? Remains to be seen

Why I turn the TV on - To watch stuff - To use it as background noise so I feel less lonely while I'm on my phone

When your dead and then you realize you don't have time to be dead because you have to study

you're - do you get it? yes - what does it mean then - mexican

The kid who goes out when the teacher yells 'whoever is not interested in this class may leave'

The problem of being faster than light is that you can only live in darkness

The epitome of chaotic good - Brazilian drug dealer kidnaps medical staff, makes the vacciante community against yellow fever

You told us that you didn;t like disposable plastic drinking straws - We listened - From 2019, all of our straws will be made of 100% ivory - mcdonalds

America: congratulations, you are being rescued - The middle east - Please do not resist

When you set your character's height to the minimum and he appears in a cutscene

When the total is 19.87 and you hand the cashier a 20 and tell em keep the change

When your mom said she'll be back soon but you're next at the cash register

When your friends make fun of your biggest insecurity but you have to act like it doesn't bother you

When you are chilling and suddenly you remember that mom asked you to turn off the stove an hour ago

Some kid did that in my school once but he didn't have a trumpet