Real men don't hit you up late at night demanding photos of your naked body, Real men hit their desks with closed fists demanding photos of Spiderman

Why don't we just build the rockets in Australia and let them fall into space

Tom: seth, how many voices and characters can you do? Oh just enough to avoid being myself

When you don't lnow all the lyrics to song so you just mumble nonsense - ice, ice, pastry

My girlfriend called me immature so I banned her from my cardboard box fort

When you home alone and your dog keeps barking at something - Who's there? I have a belt and I'm not afraid to hang myself

Realizing it will be 4/20 next year - Realizing it will be 4/20/69 in 50 years - If you're 19 right now when it is 4/20/69 you will be 69 years old

True story, flight attendant on Delta Airways posted ths pie with caption "only 1 paying attention to safety demo"

He is truly most beautiful human being ever wow - You can literally drive to your local gas station and find at least 3 people that look like this

EVERY MORNING: Me: whoa that was a crazy dream - Brain: (7 sec later): what dream?

This is Howard our new intern, he has vowed to take on covert missions to seek out and destroy any civilian that wishes to pirate movies or music. Think twice before you put yourself in such a situation and tag your friends so they know.

I googled "angry duck" and I'm really glad I did

How many genders are there? I don't know I just got here

Foreigners hearing someone speaking French - Europeans hearing someone speaking French - He is speaking the language of gays

Me: I'll go to bed at a reasonable time Me (at 3am): I think everybody should have a friend even a tree

When seven graders start seeing letters in math, what is this a crossover episode?

Anti-vaxx kids when they see someone doing the 10 year challenge

When you're winning the argument with facts and they start attacking you personally instead of addressing the topic

When you smonk weed

When me and my best friend try to take a nice photo

When the song has different parts playing at the same time & you try to sing all of them

You're weak Sasuke, you lack seasoning

And suddenly, Bob found himself the topic of all the office gossip

Any country: *has oil* - USA: congratulations you are being rescued, please do not resist

When your son is always looking at the desktop wallpaper on his computer whenever you go into his room:

This creature has adapted to the crushing pressure and oppressive darkness - Me too sweetie me too

When you think your mom is driving you home but then suddenly takes a turn to the supermarket

Hello people in 2019 Have you colonized Mars? - What do you mean "did you just assume my species"

China: some leaves in hot water - Britain:

Girl: wears ripped jeans - Girl's knee:

When you want to kill yourself because you failed the physics exam

Thanos: *Snaps* Spiderman: *dies* Marvel: *Releases Spiderman: Far From Home trailer* Thanos: Am I a joke to you?

When you're at the beach and hear someone yell: "help my kid was stung by a jellyfish!"

Gamer headset: on - Knuckles: cracked - Girlfriend: none - Yep it's gamer time

To my mother belzie: I would have made a terrible doctor, mom, people would have died

When you meet her parents and her mom says "So you the one who be dropping her off late night night in that black car." But you ride a bike

Never give up on someone with a mental illness, when I is replaced by we illness becomes wellness

When you invite your female friends to watch Bee Movie but halfway through the movie they start touching your front stinger

Will you break your current relationship for $500 million? - Hand break

McDonald's Employee Fired For Placing His Mixtapes In Children's Happy Meals - Can sell any type of item to any kind of merchant

Who would win? Vladalv Putup - Rimimir Nitin

Michael looks so fed up with me for not hitting play lol

Me:*is playing a game* - Me:*makes a easily avoidable mistake* Fbi guys:

My FBI guy: It's 3AM - My 2nd FBI guy: His calendar is full and his alarm is set for 5AM - 1st FBI guy: He's making another meme about us

Alright Elon, this is called a 'zipline'. "and the humans, they enjoy this?" they enjoy it very much Elon "then I shall enjoy it as well"

Me: "yo the pizza app isn't working" - Friend: "dude just call them" - My anxiety:

My girlfriend asked what iwanted for dinner so i said 'surprise me" this isn't what iwas expecting lol - Car sausage

Introducing your pals like: I came across this particulart tart about three years ago

So technically Moses is the first man to download files from the cloud using a tablet

How can I transfer money that is in my mind to my bank account?