The next time you get a call from a blocked or unknown number, answer it and whisper it's done but there's blood everywhere, then hang up

Please wait to be seated

It makes my heart smile when two ugly people find each other and fall in love, so who's the lucky guy?

Carbon surprise - Scientists announced on friday that the concentration of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere had reached 400 parts per million

Balloons are so weird, happy birthday here's a plastic sack of my breath

As a courtesy to others, please refrain from using your cell phone during financial transactions thank you

You dont own a tv - Whats all of your furniture pointed at?

You are not match for my powers of cuteness

Where boys become men and men become dad

What time is it, ur computer has a clock, i put tape over it so i'd have a reason to talk to you

If your dog does a poo please put it in a litter bin, i'm sorry rosie you've been a good friend

Poor little guy looks like he's saying - you want me to leave, okay - You sure you want me to go? cause i can stay, if you want

I see your problem, there's a dude passed out in your engine, also your mechanic is a pony

And would it kill you to smile, maybe

Is this a real puppy, or not - It's not, ha!!!

How do australians reproduce - We throw a boomerang and whoever catches it is our designated mate

Name any wrestler and i bet i could beat him - What about a wrestler named paper?

Dude i'll call you later, they're suspecting im high

My friend took a picture of his cat through a tube, i present to you moon cat

My friends kid wanted to look like iron man, so he taped a slinky to his chest

I'm learning stick please keep distance

I don't care about your fruits, if i fits, i sits

Let me just get that for you bro

Can't someone else just do it?

I'll be back in 5 minutes were her last words

Moving a picture in microsoft word, it actually does what you want, you mess up the whole document

It's an elaborate ruse!

I have a dreamcast, this confuses me wasn't he against segagration?

I'd better use my special robot vision to see what's inside

Asks crush for dating advice and user it on her, it worked

45 checkout lines only 4 open

Woman refers to her female friend as girlfriends and nobody bats an eye, guy refers to his male friends as boyfriends and everybody loses their minds

My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, i told her straight up i was cheating, there was no way i was going to confess i sell avon

I know break ups suck but hey there are plenty of people on the land

Look, i don't see what the big deal is, you're born naked and you die naked, end of story - You don't die naked - If you plan it right you do

White girl problems, stolen pony

He's definitely got more brains than me, we've established that from school, more brains looks as well baldness, that's pretty rich coming from a ginger

Faster or the asians will eat us both

The worst thing after waking up, everything until i go to bed again

Venn dieselgram

So proud of you, wrong car sorry

I love Stephanie, i love me too

What do you expect from your first day in school, i expect stupidity and boredom

Guns don't kill people, dolphins kill people with guns

I left my bag of gummy worms on a 90 degree day

You think you're smart until you try to turn on someone else's shower

It does no good to dwell on dreams, i got the idea for twilight from a dream, Dumbledore has spoken

Sleep til you're hungry, eat til you're sleepy

We are closed due to power failure, apologise for any incontinence caused

3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep, the other wants to know if penguins have knees