I can't find my cleaning gloves, what should i do, why don't use zoidberg?

Russian peace proposal, did you mean russian tank invasion

The pillow popped, i'm just as surprised as you are

If you like your heath care plan you will be able to keep your health care plan, you sit on a throne of lies

After i drink coffee i like to show the empty mug to the it guy and tell him that i've successfully instaled java, he hates me

Say you didn't bring spongebob with you, did you, i sure hope he got his invitation, i'd sure like to go to this party, but i can't read the invitation

Snow won't save you from getting a parking ticket

Tell me again about the day you brought me home and i was all cold and hungry and you became my forever human

No additional shot not powder, a compass that doesn't point north, and i half expected it to be made of wood, you must be a weasley, my fan worlds are colliding

Did anyone else notice that she licked off all of her makeup from sticking out her tongue?

Toffifee, who named you, some halfwit with a stutter

Give the dwarves their mountain back, but mom

Something heavy in the water, water level goes up, get a pool, put some rocks in, get in the pool and keep with the rocks, soon you will be in space

Worst moment in the snake game

When you first read the book did you picture yourself as katniss, no, i did, you pictured me, i pictured me as katniss

Only 3.000 bc kids will remember this, like if youre a 3000 b.c kid

South carolina man stabbed with ceramic squirrel after he comes home without beer woman charged

Lex luthor has control of flash's body, contain him at any cost, if nothing else i can at least learn the flash's secret identity, i have no idea who this is

I hate it when voldemort uses my shampoo without asking

Don't worry fish, i'm gonna take care of you cause i know one day you'll do the same for me, i don't care what it costs, just make this man well again

You wouldn't like me when i'm angry because i always back up my rage with facts and documented sources

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for christmas, she jockingly said a rainbow unicorn with a rhinestone heart on the front who farts skittles

Help i accidentally build a shelf

How touching, brave snake saves drowning fish

4 am, everyone is asleep, perfect time to run from one end of the house to the other at full speed as loudly as possible

Seriously dude, where'd ya learn to drive, play skool?

I'll just send myself this email real quick, oh look an email, can you call my phone i think i lost it, i'm glad you called have you seen my phone?

You come to school to learn, no i come to see my friends

You,ve been avoiding me lemon, how do you do that without turning around, to be perfectly honest the first couple of people i did that to were not you but here we are

My friend april just told me that a guy in her dorm building has a tattoo of a cat riding a pizza skateboard and it sayes get meowta here, i wasn't kidding okay

These sweatpants are all that fits me right now

What if i told you, fit people at the gym will actually respect you for showing up and trying to change your life

I'm going to defeat the fire nation, yes you will

After a life of hard work i finally have all the hotdogs yet i still feel empty inside

Rule of math if it seems easy you're doing it wrong

Water cow remove ass from ballistics hatch are you of crazy admiral will be furious, nyet

They told me i could be anything i wanted, so i became a ballon

You're so much taller than him, i am not that much taller than him, then stand up, and i've been standing this whole time

I don't always kill things but when i do it's because they were things and i'm a bear

Do you ever see someone's opinion and just, and you try to say anything because ok everyone can have their opinion but you're still just

I jumped into a strangers car and stole a hamburger from someone's hands

The number plate is the chemical equation for glucose, and the car is called a cube it is therefore a giant sugar cube, wow thanks there science part of tumblr

So lily tell me more about this patrick, he like the swings he sits by the flag and he can count to a hundread, he sounds like the total package, what is the problem, he doesnt notice me

Our death ray doesn't seem to be working, i'm standing right in it and i'm not dead yet

T.I. not affiliated with the calculators

No one has ever believed in me as much as the guy that greets you at every pokemon gym, champ in the making

You wear your beats by dre everywhere, you must listen to a lot of great music, willy wonka was always our favorite candy

I like to party and by party i mean takenaps

Whenever the waiter comes back to see how the food is

Reasons to date me, no one will try and steal me from you, sometimes i'm funny