Netflix trying to figure out the shows I like but all 6 people use the same profile

Now if you'll excuse me I have imortant matters to attent to, when did video games get so realistic

Dads: *brag about waking up early*, Also dads 5 mins after sitting on the couch:

When you commit suicide to escape a miserable suffering life on Earth and get reincarnated 30 seconds later

Why can't I find a guy like a dolphin, He's literally the guy in the pic

When your customizable character is in a cutscene

Spoon is cheaper than change the whole fence

So I got a notification from our security camera that someone was at the front door, Buzz him in

CPR is the human equivalent of hitting a machine until it works again

Elon Musk holding an Elon Musket at an Elon Mosque surrounded by Elon Mosquitos at Elon Dusk

It's exactly what I was afraid of, What? Skeletons.

Just in case you were having a bad day look how happy this cat is with his adopted kitten

America's greatest evil is that it was built by slavery, Ancient Egypt

Water cooler husband and wife, I'm crying I'm so happy for them

When you wake up and realize you've drooled all over the pillow

Not that wheel Jesus, the steering wheel

ISIS supporter: leaves country to join ISIS, Country: revokes citizenship ISIS supporter:

Coffee or tea, wrong it's tea

Wnen you see peta's tweet aoout Steve Irwin, Wnen you see all the backlash peta is receiving because everyone loves Steve Irwin and he did nothing wrong

Steve Irwin, peta, internet

Goad which suffers from anxiety only calms down when she is put in her duck costume

Her: I am a vegan,we dont eat meat and we value all living beings, Him:Thanks but I only asked if you have a pen

Immune system: raise body temperature to kill bacteria and viruses -humans: take antipyretic

When you thought the argument was over & you're at peace, but she not

When your girl says she doesn't want anything from McDonald's, but you turn your head over and find her like this

Post Malone looks like the .01% of germs Lysol didn't kill

Helpdesk level 1, we've got to help her, helpdesk level 2, they're my friends I've got to help them, Helpdesk level 3, I can save him I have to try, Sysadmin, who are you go away

Define dream, the first thing people abandon when they understand how this world works, that's too dark

Father:son,you were adopted. Son: what?! Iknew it! Iwant to meet my biological parents Father: we are your biological parents. now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 mins

Friend: if you could have one special power or ability from any video game, what would it be? me: how long would you like to sleep? 8 hours

Thou shalt not try me, mom 24:7

When you hear someone saying my weight is 70 kg instead of my mass is 70 kg

Unlike you, I get my news from a reliable source: guy le douche field reporter

Made a book shelf for my brick collection

A lad in a costume

When you see a lot of memes about the ads in Spotify, but you have a Premium account - I'm sorry is this some sort of peasant joke that I'm too rich to understand?

Developer: makes a simple, intuitive UI, users:

Here is some free oil, take it while the americans are sleeping

The 4 Horsemen of The Apocolypse, Elon Musket, Obi-Van Kenobi, Donald Trumpet, Big Ben Shapiro

Once you've read the dictionary, every other book you read is just a remix

When you hear your own voice on a recording - I've never met this man in my life

Peyton Manning has stored every play he's ever made in his forehead since entering the league, 1995, 2015

Car Salesman: *slaps chicken at 3725.95mph* this chicken is cooked

I have never before met a vulcan sir, nor I a work of art madam

Peepa pig jigsaw puzzle

Get you someone who looks at you the way this woman looks at the guy who killed a mountain lion with his bare hands last week, looks like his cougar problems are far from over

Elon Muskito - In class - me: *smiles* teacher: why are you smiling? me: nothing me (in my mind)

When your cat watches too much food network

When you've just received your order at a fancy restaurant and Gordon Ramsay walks in with a TV crew

Me when i turn the water off while i brush my teeth