1300s: i'm dying of black plague, 1800s: i'm working 16 hour days, 1900s: i'm off to fight a war, 2000s: i'm offended

When you turn your head and the snapchat filter goes away

Ever wonder if asians make fun of caucasians? rook at me, my name is erizabeth and i am from ros angeres

If Mike Wazowski doesn't appear in a minute i will be very disappointed

I'm sorry Jesus, i had to delete Bible app for the software update, it's cool, i have to delete some names for the Book of Life update

Happy birthday griff, lead designer font savant and the only person that knows how to uptade this sign

After getting rid of your girlfriend, silence and money

Waiter there's a hare in my pancakes

I'm a full grown man, and i still pretend i'm loading a magazine into a handgun when i'm swapping drill batteries

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself? Me: verbally, but i've also prepared a dance

As you can see their is a constant increasement, budget, silvia, let's use spreadsheets next meeting we have with the shareholders

No one heals themselves by wounding another, paras used giga drain

We don't call 911, when granpappy was choking on a chicken bone we shot him

Smoked before my ID picture so when i get pulled over high i look normal

Christmas tip, wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree, everytime your child acts up throw one in the fireplace

Man you go through life you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch them in the face, and for what?

Bear attack tip, if attacked play dead, it will be good practice for when you die a couple a minutes later

Tfw you realize trump respects turkeys more than women, am i allowed to touch it?

Me walking past the dishes in the sink after thanksgiving like

Thinking quickly, dave constructs a homemade megaphone, using only some string, a squirrel, and a megaphone

What does it look like i do for a living, solve mysteries with a dog

Cop: your car smells like marijuana, me: whoever smelt it dealt it, gosh dangit, ur under arrest

This cat looks like it just got knocked out in an anime

When ur thinking about having that third donut

Me trying to hide my emotions, hawaii volcano cracks big smile before erupting

911 what is your emergency, dog: my owner has been gone for .02 seconds, have you tried eating the couch?

Polar bear is in the area, use extreme caution when headed outside, go with a slower co-worker

Note to self: don't warm these in the microwave

When you're getting roasted in the group chat but it's all kinda true

What is an extreme sport, driving before your windshield defrosts when you're late

When your parents try skype for the first time

When you do the laundry but can't find the last sock, always two there are, no more, no less

What is the phobia of chainsaws called, common sense

When you just got a new country and you leave your kids alone with it for a couple centuries and they've already broke it

When my friend clicks on 5 false download buttons while torrenting, you are without doubt the worst pirate i've heard of

If you ever feel like the news are lying to you, remember that in zimbabwe the army took over the state tv station and told people that there's no indication that a military coup is happening

Bros, y'all letting your girl go out looking like this, man if you let her leave the house like this she wasn't yo girl from the gecko

Net neutrality threatened with extinction, microtransactions in a crappy game

This house has been haunted for 700 years, any person who has walked in mysteriously disappeared, white people:

I know what will cheer u up, who's ticklish, pls stop

Father: "Son, you were adopted." Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!" Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."

When you tell your mate to look at the person behind them but don't make it obvious

Who would win, pleb with 10+ years experience and 60000 in debt, one crunchy boi

I unlocked them all, every single one of them, and i feel not just a sense of pride and accomplishment but accompliswoment and accomplishchildrent too

How to assert dominance using only whale noises

Who would win, a master's degree in marketing and advertising, one flappy boi

Tonight i have prepaired pasta with red sauce, red wine, and a fresh tossed salad for you, wait where's the tossed salad?

There's a chicken in my garage, we don't own chickens, update chicken is friendly, we've bonded

When the ceremony's been over for hours and you remember you didn't take the baby out of the water after the baptism

Me trying to make a joke that won't offend anyone in 2017, my wife died in a laser accident, what is your problem