You shouldnt even be allowed on a computer let alone on facebook all day if your 16 and still dont know the difference between their, there, and they're, seen that like 6 times today

Reminder to parents to please check your kids candy this halloween, just found this in my son's skittles

Ankit jain, i am not a vegetarian because i love animals, i am a vegetarian because i hate plants

I was mad because i couldnt get the new jordan's and my grandma said hold on i got u

They look like tiny men training in the pool

When your chillin at your friends house and their mom starts yelling at them

So beautiful, the smell of plant blood in the morning

So there's a rule against pumpkins in my dorm but it doesn't say anything about pineapples

When ur goofing off with ur buddy at work and the boss comes out of nowhere expecting you to be doing actual work

ish that peesha, i love peesha

Whose role is it too cook in a relationship the guy or the girl, the hungry one

My head hurts, that's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity

Uber drivers be like, this isn't my real job ya know

When you get super drunk and start acting like a tough guy

You should start studying earlier, that way you won't end up panicking, sounds good, doesn't work

My nephew is turning 3 tomorrow, due to out tight budget we not gonna tell him, precious boitumelo khasu

It's outrageous, it's unfair, yow can one be that scary, but given only one candy, take a sweet, young skywalker

When you finally understand the material halfway thru the exam

When you tell somebody to close the door on the way out but they leave it cracked

Drunk octopus wants to fight!

Frantically waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck, hey wait, what'll it be lady, out of breath, nothing just wanted to tell you i'm vegan

Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked on the nuts, have you had a baby, no but over the years women say let's have another baby, i never hear a man saying come on hit me on the nuts again

When you eat your daily two vitamin gummies but didnt notice one of them had a 3rd gummy stuck to it so you overdose

At the justice league headquarters, batman: so what do you do, aquaman: i fight all the villains of the sea, batman i've never heard of any villains in the sea, yeah because i do my job

Im gonna go to bed early today, me at 3am google, how tall is jesus

Refills the brita once, i am the backbone of this household

The bond's name, james name, pleased to what, bond name's the james, are you alright, bames nond's having a stronk call a bondulance

There are so many cats and dogs on the internet that we forget about newborn alpacas

When the colouring book says 2-4 years and you finish it in 4 weeks

Doggo, if you're into bad boys swipe left because i am a good boy

I don't care becky, i'm posting it, we all look good, sorry you can't take a decent picture

Wait i hav to actualy repay the student loans, oh heck

This subway is telling people to eat next door, eat fresh

Boss biggest weakness, i never know when to quit, that's ok, ur hired, i quit

Based on the fact that I work for Donald Trump as his secretary and therefore know him well, I think he treats women with great respect, contrary to what Julie Baumgold implied in her article, I do not believe any man in America gets more calls from women wanting to see him, meet him, or go out with him, the most beautiful women, the most successful women, all the women love Donald trump, Carolin Gallego December 7, 1992

I did the maths, and it would take about 400 people to get enough iron to forge a longsword

Martyrs, job involves dying in cross walk to force city to install signal there, set your own hours

Scientists just erased certain memories from a snail's brain and they think it'll work with humans, too, do you remember anything, what have we done

i hate when i'm buying organic vegetables and when i get home find out they are just regular donuts

Yeah that's gonna be a no for me dog

I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers, it's done from this moment forward we don't know each other, sorry who is this, very good

When you're a low level character in a video game and try to sneak up on a well equipped boss that's high level

Bad news, i accidentally washed a nice wool shirt that i really loved and it shrunk a lot, good news

I'll drink one beer then i'm coming home, 8 hours later, man arrested for everything

When you just got a new country and you leave your kids alone with it for a couple centuries and they've already broke it

Hello lucy, impressive handshake, my father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and communists, he hated both, well done tommy

Sup i'm chad been sober for like 40 days, not in a row or anything just total

Choose your fighter, drill boi, cowboi, swing boi, cool boi

If you're ever sad just remember the world is 4.543 billion years old and you somehow managed to exist at the same time as guy fieri

Auditioning for the new coca cola bear

When you've been home for 3 hours and you notice the 4G symbol instead of the wifi symbol