When the waiter brings u a long sophisticated wine menu and u recognize at least three wines

I've dropped 35 pounds in like 3 months just from not drinking beer, has that been rough to cut out beer, not really, i just replaced it with vodka

License and registration pls, but dad i wanted to play race cars, this is about race, is that alcohol i smell on ur breath jerome, this isn't fun, keep ur hands on the wheel homie

What do you need to be happy in life, more espresso, less depresso

When you can dance for hours but can't run for a minute

And then i said hold up that aint not hottub

When you're from the hood but got direct deposit

When u meet somebody new and hit it off immediately

He needs to be 6ft or taller with a beard drives a new series bmw, has his own house and patterns me when i act up

I love you cheeseburger, i love you kung pao chicken

The maximum amount of physical activity i'm prepared to engage in after 8 pm

Tb to when i was high and noticed my shadow looked like rihanna, my shadow looks like rihanna

When ur having a nice time catching up with and old friend but you think you might feel a pyramid scheme pitch coming

Asahd is kind of upset that you took his verse off more life

Homeless man, can't believe i forgot my clothes under that bridge i hope nobody takes them and sells them at a high price, kanye west

Asahd is kind of upset that you took his verse off more life

He couldn't sleep for 2 days because he missed her, i couldn't sleep for 4 days because i missed a stupid ";" in my code

When the cashier put my $100 up to the light to see if it's real in front of everybody, don't disrespect me like that

When you're in the middle of an exam and the professor is explaining something to someone

This is rust, rust is caused by oxygen, you breathe oxygen every day if oxygen does this to a pipe what is it doing do your lungs, please share to increase the awareness of oxygen

Let me be your ruler, looks llike this box is about half a lorde long, this is a terrible unit of measurement

During what month of pregnancy does a woman begin to look pregnant, september

Where would you like us to move, i want to live with my father but your dad is dead, precisely

I've reached 300 meters under the sea, the pressure here is immense,wanna try drugs

When you're in a wheelchair and your friend takes the stairs, you're going down a path i can't follow

Milk then cereal then bowl

My dad lives so cloe to his best friend they used to use walkie talkies instead of texting or whatever

Barber what do you want, the path travelled by a stone when projected at an angle with only gravitational force acting, say no more

What's your street name, lil marco, you live on a street named lil marco, oh you meant my address

Dog, i think that job interview went well, looks in mirror and sees ear was inside out the whole time, son of a

When people say they broke and you catch them with the red 256gb iphone 7 plus, hol up

When u hear ur gf talking negatively abt herself

All terrorists are politely reminded that this is london, and whatever you to do us we will drink tea and jolly well carry on thank you

Girl 911: what's the problem, i can't even today, have you tried posting worst day ever and then replying to everyone commenting i don't wanna talk about it

I learned something really important at college today, i don't want to be there

Sorry for driving so close in front of you

How do I delete names in Contact list? In the Contacts app? Click on the name of the contact you want to delete, then click Edit in the top right corner. Then when you scroll all the way down on the right, there should be a red Delete Contact button

My son's 11-hour a day xbox addiction, you gotta pump those numbers up, those are rookie numbers

From a principal's publication 1815: students today depend on paper too much, they don't know how to write on a slate without getting chalk dust all over themselves, they can't clean a slate properly, what will they do when they run out of paper

This is tacky, just fyi midget as bad as n word, grow up and be nice pls, if it's as bad as the n word than how come you didn't just call it the m word

Thank you for not feeding us bread

When you turn the basement lights off and run upstairs before death consumes you

Hi james my friend looks like he doesn't enjoy my company, can you make him look like he's having fun, he does enjoy your company, help i got friendzoned

Dad why r u always goofing around uncomfortably when u've gambled away large amounts of money, instead of facing ur problems, booga booga booga who's my big boy

Beware of the dog, but beware of the cat too he's kinda weird

Whales say they are tired of being compared to amy schumer

That feeling when a pigeon has more money than you

My name is stopthat, sometimes they call me getbackhere

When spanish drake and jamaican drake run into london drake and houston drake wants to stay out the drama

35 year old downloads the sims to play out home ownership fantasy