Did you know, scuba divers roll backwards off boats because if they rolled forward they would just go into the boat

Size of an airplane, size of an airplane in a movie

When you make plans while you're in a good mood but then the day comes and you would actually rather die

Who would you pick to play you in a movie about your life, denzel washington

That lasagna looks crisp, thats my daughter

If you are too weak to return your weights, please contact the fitness staff and the girls will be happy to assist you

If somebody cancels on me that is a celebration, there is nothing, i adore cancellations, you don't have to make up an excuse it doesn't matter, just say you're cancelling i'll go fantastic, i'm staying home i'm watching tv, thank you

If a black person ever tell you imma call you right back just move on with your life amen

Hasn't had a song in years, now he's just somebody that we used to know

Found $5 in the parking lot, today is going to be a good day, i named him steve, taking steve for a ride, shh steve has no idea, bye steve, new friends

Hopefully you're not studying too hard, what floor of the library you at, i brought you food

If global warming doesn't exist then why is club penguin shutting down

Handy chart showing how far i would walk just to be the one who wakes up next to you, 500 miles, 500 more

Buying japanese shoji doors was not a good idea

I'm never going to join you, hi never-going-to-join-you i am your father

I just wanna say that i think its hecking ridiculous that the humans wont tell us who the good boy is i demand freedom of information

Days without grizzly bear attack on campus 34,310

If you're sad about being alone on valentine's day just remember nobody loves you any other day of the year either

Darmok and jalad at tanagra

Put me down, i must gather more wheat for the motherland

Now if you'll excuse me i'm gonna go take a long hot steamy bath with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms, you're only gonna sit in an inch of water

The type of dudes that be posting so sexy babe or luv ur body underneath y'alls pics

I was taking a nice photo of this llama when it noticed me and turned into a college girl on spring break after 5 jello shots and 3 shots of tequila

Vaccine reasearch laboratory 200 years of research and development, anti-vaccine research laboratory, 200 minutes of intense web browsing

When she thought she could make you cry, but you ran out of tears when you were 18

I kicked over my cats milk and had no replacement, he sat opposite me as i ate my dinner looking at me like this

Hey dubya y'all coming to my inauguration, we dying, 2 weeks later at superbowl, presidential petty level +10

But its so heavy with all that air in it

Don't forget tom brady and the new england patriots are in town, it might be a good idea to check your air pressure, spotted at a houston gas station

People that drink almond milk be wanting u to try it so bad & make this face when you're about to drink it

Advisor u going to trump's inauguration, bush doctor said i can't, advisor u wanna hit that super bowl

Branch manager and assistant branch manager

If you're already late take your time, you can't be late twice

Oh my god how can i help i just need about tree fiddy

Refinance your home and pay no origination fee

Let's see what the judges have to say, perfect tens across the board, except for the german judge nine on that one

A long sad chapter of the drug war is brought to a close as investigators finally arrest marijuana

I am convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer it comes back as an extra tupperware lid

If you think lady gaga isn't going to make a political statement during her halftime show, you're gonna have a bad time

Let's see what the judges have to say, perfect tens across the board, except for the german judge nine on that one