Checked native american on standardized tests, because i'd always lived in america

I'm talking softly right now because we're actually on the set and they're shooting, if you pan over just a little bit, you'll see some very pampered actors underneath umbrellas, what sissies, i don't use no stinkin umbrella

I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as mental illness

Mr Hunter, franklin roosevelt and the new deal, dear lord he's right, it's been my answer for two years mr feeny, sooner or later it had to pay off

Drove to work, took the bus home

Somebody out there is going to push a door that says pull, today i'm going to be better than that guy

Finish marathon of netflix on phone, forgot to turn on wifi

You stopped tesla from direct sales, then tell me again about your free market

This is not made in china, o rearry?

Can't believe i just met iron maiden yesterday, what are you kidding me, i'm the greatest fan of them, take a look at a picture i took, iron maiden kalil silva

When your girl calls you, and hears fun in the background

Would like to remind everyone in the time i took a nap at work in this box filled with teddy bears

Ios 8 installation requires 4.5 gig aint nobody got space for dat, just buy a bigger micro sd card, oh wait

Crazy people don't know they are crazy, i know i am crazy therefore i am not crazy isn't that crazy

So how are we related, well our dogs are brothers

To catch the ball you must be the ball, to be the ball you must lick your balls

Do i keep my long hair or go bald, why not both, brother from another mother

I'm never gonna go through puberty, of course you will baby but we're a family of late bloomers, i didn't until i was fourteen, nor did olive, why does that matter, i'm adopted, who told you?

Check out this bad boy, 12mb of ram, 500 mb hard drive, built in spreadsheet capabilities, and a modem that transmits at over 28000 bps, what are you gonna use it for, games and stuff

As a non smoker, i should be allowed to take a no-smoke break at work

I'm afraid i prematurely shot my was on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will so now i'm afraid i have something of a mess on my hands, there's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence

Extremly religious and doesn't conform to modern society, leaves everyone alone and doesn't kill people

I miss kansas, i miss the rains down in africa

Of all the front yards in all the world, the cat walks into mine

Better save this potion in case i need it later, finish game with 600 potions

I married my stalker, this could be us but you keep calling the police

When i realized the nature of this season, that if was going to be so brutal, i realized, we're going to need a bigger beard

I don't wanna seem over dramatic, but this is literally a battle for april's soul

I keep thinking oh man i'm so immature, how am i allowed to be an adult, then i spend time with teenagers, and it's like i am and adult, look at me adulting all over the place

Earlier today before getting my abortion, it's sad but it had to be done, can't be on teen mom, just got back from the doctors i wasn't even pregnant, i'm just fat

The ultimate chick flick, two women trying to kill each other over shoes

There's something wrong with these pandas

Just because you wear those costumes doesn't mean you have any special powers, are we clear, yes superman we're sorry, it won't happen again

To catch the fish, you must first become the fish

Just keep bein yourself, that's horrible advice, most people don't like me actually

These are the black eyed peas, and i've finally killed them, it's a christmas miracle

Burt gummer, the original doomsday prepper

Bro, roll me over to your garbage cans

How do three men in their 30s not have $800 between them, they're the economy is in shambles

Come live with me, my roommate just moved out, but are you sure, you just met me i could be a serial killer, i like to believe in people, plus what're the changes that we're both serial killers?

This guy was just re-classified as a planet

Sighing the monitor is not a toy andy, anything is a toy if you play with it

I just feel like i can't say anything and you can say everything, there's things i can't say like toodaloo, or skinny macchiato or thank you for your help officer

Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside, yes i would kent

Ron look, i found all three differences, those are two completely different pictures

Look at all the cow nests

When you are sad just remember, jumping spiders sometimes wear water droplets as hats

We've had one yes, but what about second thanksgiving?

In one hour i'll have four hours left, which means three hours after that, it will only be one hour before i can go home

Is this all the eggs we have, what are you making, eggs