Did you make sure to take two pictures, so you can give one to me?

Come see my laptop live

Msg me back when you can, i have a boyfriend, congratulations, which part of the powerpoint should i do

The man who designed this glorious body was just 22, think about that, what were you doing at 22, i just walked up 3 flights of stairs, bart 22

Person in the story has your name

Come to chicago for the food, stay because you got murdered

He says i'm gonna pick your avocados old man, what would prompt you to do something so stupid, guacamole

Normally when given the choice between doing something or nothing i choose nothing, but i will do something if it helps someone else do nothing, i'd work all night if it meant nothing got done

Suspends players a year for harmless marijuana, suspends ray rice only two games for domestic violence

One cries because one is sad, for example i cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad

Ok i'm going to add a little pressure now, farts, it's alright it's perfectly natural, that was you, yea i know but it's perfectly natural

What are you doing, laying in bed, nothing else, im eating cereal, lol i mean if the cereal wasn't there, then id get out of bed and go get cereal

You're fat, don't sugarcoat it cause you'll eat that too

There's something on your face, it was pain

You have earned one schrute buck, i don't want it, then you have been deducted fifty schrute bucks, make it a hundred, do you want to earn schrute bucks, no in fact i'll give you a billion stanley nickels if you never talk to me again, what's the ratio of stanley nickels to schrute bucks, the same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns

Cyclists caution, signage in cycle way

I saw that brazil is considering a plan for converting its world cup stadium into apartment buildings, and this is cool, brazil's goalie has already been offered a job as the doorman, go ahead go right in let me get the door for you

Someday i'll be a beautiful butterfly, and then everything will be better

Me going to the fridge to get some ice, i accidentally drop ice on the floor, kick it under fridge, what ice

This grass i'd like to bury you under it

No coach mccarthy, i can't reverse the call

C'mon pick up hills, stop calling me i'd rather text than talk

Waitress gave me my food first, so i guess you can say things are getting pretty serious

For once maybe someone will call me sir without adding you're making a scene

If there's one thing girls love more than being told they're pretty, it's being told they're prettier than other girls

I don't always eat cookies, but when i do i eat them in a horrifyingly violent manner

Coffe love it i do

I pulled his hair and kicked him, why doesn't he get that i like him?

Surviving on photosynthesis like a moss

If you really knew me, comment something i would say

Me and snooki decided to do the hookup board, if they did this thing long enough they could find out where herpes began

And theni i told them, they could keep their current health insurance

I don't know who you are, but i will find you and i will eat you

When you wake up monday morning, and you contemplate seriously injuring yourself, just so you don't have to attend classes

I think i might like this baby, i regret everything i said

And then i said, i wouldn't jump on the couch anymore

I woke up early there was no worm

We're white dudes, we gotta be careful, because we can be very unfashionable very quickly

Also i'd like to opt out of the teeth shaming

Honey i put some sandwiches in your duffel bag, now why do you need such a big bag of oregano, donna's italian

A box of paper clips, that's an easy $50 bill all day

I killed a mouse for you, i'll do anything for you anything

Remember when no one cared about a company name appearing in a meme, this generic bag of cookies remembers

What do you call a stolen xbox, an ex box, oh you

My husband is on a murderous rampage, over, thank God that's over, i was worried there for a second

When confronted by bullies you can choose one of three paths, fight, adapt, tumblr

I bit you 5 minutes ago, can i have treats now?

How does moses make his tea, hebrews it, hebrews it coral

A book fell on my head, i can only blame my shelf

Why was the pig afraid of the german, he was the wurst, the wurst coral