You will watch what i tell you to watch

Do you know how bored i was today, i came this close to actually cleaning the house

This dog tells me you're on drugs, i'm on drugs, you're the one talking to a dog

I will always remember ubc for my crippling debt

Do you know the lyrics to african child, i don't know the lyrics, i just pound the drum and do the africa face

It is the hospital mein general, what is the condition of sergeant kruger, yes i see, let me know if there is any change in his condition

Hoo need batteries, when you got spudkat

I have a dream, that one day my crush will message me first

Kevin hart crying on shaq's lap

Exercising is like grinding in real life

Never trust a person, with only one profile pic

He tried to kill me when i landed on his face, better land on his face again

Studying for finals, when did you become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics, last night

I know cheesy, but if feel grate

Banned unpopular opinions before it was cool

Did you know that 1 out of 3 people are gay, i'm not gay, i'm not gay either

Kids these days will never, know the struggle

How does nasa organize a party, they planet

Guys be like, baby u still mad

Feeling like you don't have anyone to talk to, probably because you're sitting in an empty parking lot

A white, american actor playing an australian actor, who is playing a black soldier, who is pretending to be a vietnamese farmer

Hi you may remember me from the alphabet

I miss kansas, i miss the rains down in africa

Our top story today, convcted hitman jimmy two shoes mcclardy confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures, police admit that this may be the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whach

20 seconds of laughter, 20 years of therapy

There should be one day out of the year where people working retail can say what they want without getting in trouble

When a girl says ok have fun, do not have fun, abort mission, i repeat, abort

Batsuit check, batwing check, what do you think is missing from batman's checklist, parents

What's the protocol for when you see a really ugly baby, i'll tell you, people show you their babies on their phone now, and it's like a cashew with some hair coming out of it, the thing to say is nice phone

This guy has changed the earth's history more than anyone else

Baby, you hear about the new restaurant on the moon, yeah dog, great food, but no atmosphere

Anybody ever call in sick to work because you ate too much breakfast, no, no one take a fat day

It's not delivery, it's de'struggle

Mini cupcakes, as in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake, honestly where does it end with you people

I'm the king of the jungle, why do i need bath man

I do believe, i am in a little pickle

Oh you just put lotion on, you're not going anywhere

Dear 2 chainz, my girlfriend says if i don't score in the next football game she'll dump me, what should i do, i feel like you should score twice, then dump her, tru

Excuse me, there seems to be some mistake, i bought a drink and some popcorn and now i have no money

I was in such bad condition, and i look behind me while i'm puking, and miley cyrus is there like, get it together

Benedict cumberbatch trying to hide from paparazzi

You know what really grinds my gears, shampoo bottles that stand on their lids and collect water under the cap that pours out on you when you pick it up and it's really cold

Bob, i don't know how to put this gently, but my mother said to pick the best one and you are not it

I'm kerry washington and i'm hosting snl this week, with musical guest eminem, its gonna be a great show, and afterwards we're going out for cupcakes, his idea, i love cupcakes

Hey i was just trying on my halloween costume, what exactly are you supposed to be, space cowboy, there are no cows in space, and b didn't you wear that like 5 years ago, yeah so

1970, and now it's time for a scary story from the future, in the future there will be 500 tv channels, far out, but nothing to watch

U know mi sweg nut ma stori

You're litterally listening to turkey calls, is this not rap

Fresh prince sequel, will's son is spoiled living in luxury in bel air, is sent to philly to get street-smart

Daria, you can't spend the rest of your life in there, i can once they put in my high-speed internet connection