What do you give sick birds, tweetment, is this thing on?

I have a recurring fear, that no one i know is real and i'm actually alone and insane

In terms of money we have no money

Too much traffic must get to gym

Dont complain to your kids about money, there's nothing they can do and they'll feel guilty for not being able to help

Roses are red so is ketchup, have a corndog, texas poetry

You know you love someone when you save their texts and re-read them when no one is watching, marilyn monroe, she died before text messaging was invented in the 1980's

Ellen Grossman, didn't recognize jay-z on subway

Don't do that, he will cut you, that's not food he's my pet, what's a pet, an animal you don't eat, we call those children

If you're sad about being alone on valentine's day just remember, no one loves you on the other days of the year either

When i'm listening to music in the car, the volume always has to be either an even number or a multiple of five

To the children who loved harry potter i want to say, your enthusiasm was the real magic and i so enjoyed being on the journey with you, and to the adults who bought the harry potter books and devoured them, these books were for children, i know they were long but that's because the letters we're big

Hey joey do you want to eat me, no thanks mr muffin, but i want to die

Ham look i'm picasso, i don't get it, you uncultured swine

Adam, the next distance we'll be firing from is 500 yards, the distance of your average restraining order

There are so many grammar nazis on the internet because the english majors don't have jobs

As a mental exercise, i've often planned the murder of friends and colleagues

They told me i could use any instruments i wanted so i used cannons

Target where you pay a little more to avoid going to wal-mart

Hidden valley the original ranch, makes vegetables bad for you

That speeding car is 10 feet away, i can make it

Oh you ran a marathon, how heavy was the sled

Name something that follows the world pork cupine, porkcupine, this is the greatest answer i've ever heard

My husband and i rented mamma mia which i liked but i don't know if meryl streep was the right choice, meryl streep could play batman and be the right choice

I thought it will be a nice idea if i introduced my dad to usher internationally aclaimed rap superstar, i introduce them and my dad turns and ask him for directions to his seat, cause he thought usher was an usher

Okay well come on, let's have an auction, we'll auction off people like in the olden days

Wears a t-shirt of himself as a meme, misuses meme

I don't mind if people make mistakes when speaking english, i still make mistakes and english is my first language

Hiding from his bath, fail

Miami metro has bieber, tonight's the night

Gets run over for crossing the road while looking at the phone, better post it on facebook

Rest of the team is dead, feel them judge your every move

Am i out of touch, no it's the children who are wrong

Why is ron wearing headphones, tom put all my records into this rectangle, the songs just play, one right after the other, this is an excellent rectangle

If a man speaks at sea where no woman can hear, is he still wrong

The right amount of carrot juice is how much, five inches, and then how much of the tomato sauce are we putting in so many, and then for jam ten

And we're live in 3,2,1, good afternoon this is shark reporting from atlantic ocean

I went to disneyland yesterday, and the little kids would just look at me like they're looking at justin bieber walking by, and i'm like how do you even know who i am, and i look at their parents and i'm like how dare you psychos, how are you letting your children watch this, shame on you

Septic tanks pumped swimming pools filled not same truck

Has a million employees remembers them all by name

Marge, where are you did you change your name is it kelly

My neighbors diary says i have boundry issues

I am energy efficient because i'm bald, not wasting hot water washing me hair no hair dryer

I think you've confused me, with someone who builds a dam

I found myslef at one point talking to three very nice actors who were very pleasant and i was having a great time talking with them and drinking, and then i suddenly realised i had killed all three of them at various points in the series and that these would all shortly be unemployed actors, and i had a moment of horrible guilt

You did what was expected of you take this money

Have you been playing that stupid video game all night, watches tv entire night

All's i know is there's two ways of arguin with women, and neither one works

Back in the 90's, all the dogs were let out and nobody knows who did it

Us americans wonder why the rest of the world hates us, we have a game show in this country called survivor, that's a game to us, the point of the game is you win a million dollars if you can simply survive somewhere, in a place where people already live