Whenever josh is like i don't think you should do it like that, and then i'm like oh really do you wanna tell that to my oscar

They should make a movie about leonardo not winning any oscars but give the actor who played leo an oscar

I really want to buy one of these grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back, this is like the most innocent joke i've ever read

I wanna go throw myself down a slide, i typed stairs, apparently my phone would prefer me to have fun

Where can i find this friendzone, i need some friends

Every year you pass your birthday and know that you were born that day but every year you pass your death day and have no clue

Comes within one vote of being national bird, mass genocide every year instead

Edward will be a good husband, i know this because i'm a cop, i know things, like how to hunt somebody to the end of the earth, and i know how to use a gun

One week without screens, no phone tablets, computers, television, anything, no please send me to jail

These guys literally went walking around campus, stopping people and twerking around them, it was great

Come over to myspace and twitter my yahoo till i google all over your facebook, then i can push you down the stairs and watch you tumblr down

Fish dying is not a big deal, i know who this anon is

You should probably lay off the burgers, you're not gonna be 22 forever, you know, yeah i think i'm good

Show of us a photo of you in your ferrari if you really have one

Humans, think they own everything, probably american

If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party

Ok so i'm shooting a music video today for my single 7 things, and it's about you know who, voldermort and miley dated?

Blue, what happened, he tried to ride his bike indoors

I fell off my bicycle that's how i broke it, and when my husband went to pick up my pain meds, and the pharmacist was like catwoman cant ride a bike?

They call this the cat tail

I've got some kind of allergic reaction going on and my face is breaking out in a bad rash and my mom is freaking out and wants to take me to the er and my dad was like

My doctor told me to eat more taco bell, well actually he said less mcdonalds but i'm pretty sure i know what he meant

2 chainz is looking like the hardes level on tetris

Why does the sun look like a ceiling light, i just realized the reflection from my window was showing and it actually is a ceiling light

Anyone that complains about stepping on legos, has never stepped on one of these

I'm writing this status from my new smart tv, it's great for when you're in a rush and only have half and hour to type something out

I helped my mother do something on the internet, she read the entire terms and conditions before continuing

Get ready for people arguing and sometimes zombies show up

One of my friends got chased by little piggies during his bike ride, this is the opposite of a problem

do u ever form emotional attachments to tabs u have had open for a long time

I bet when cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes man you're such a cheetah and they laugh and eat a zebra or whatever

I thought those were its legs, making my way down town

America's strength made it possible to move boulders around

Can we just talk about how there are snapback fedoras, is it because we didn't stop kony

My dog's reaction to the sweater my wife bought him

No matter what comes through those gates, you will stand you ground

Hi leesa hi homur, i gt u sumfink u hve nevr hd b4, homur pls

This week, kanye west defended his use of the confederate flag in his new line of merchandise, saying that he's now made it his flag

Girls with curly hair, wake up like this

How crazy is this, i got a cnn news alert when you got hair cut, that was seriously the wierdest thing that has ever happened to me, can you imagine getting your hair cut and then finding out about it on the news

Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound

Just because you miss someone doesn't mean you need them back in your life, missing is just a part of moving on

Sometimes i drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver

My reaction when i see a 13 years old kid using iphone 5

When i was younger, if you could run up the slide, you had skill

You know what really grinds my gear, when cops don't follow simple traffic laws

I have shamed my family, we probably helped

I don't chew my food, i inhale it, then i choke and then i puke, then i eat it

Ok bye, see you rather!

No, he does not get a party favour, he does not get a dog