You said you came straight from home and you caught a bunch of red lights, the starbucks coffee in your hand has determined that was a lie

If you didn't want the dog to jump that fence and attack you, you should have listened to its owner and stopped throwing rocks at it

Tries communicating with ghosts in 500 year old german castler, speaks to them in english

Lets be airplanes, cardinals hate airplanes

Plays gta 5, just to be wanted

You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain, or you can eat dinner in florence

Didn't go to the gym today but the cashier's name at mcdonalds was jim so same thing

Did you know, the us has the highest concentration of americans in the world

No dates, no talking hit her in the head and take her home, best era ever

I warn you, i'm an animal in bed, pat me and bring me food

My gran could do better, and she's dead, whenever i need motivation i just google gordon ramsey, that's a good idea

Have fun kids, i'll just be here listening to my tunes, heavy metal starts blasting

They all treat me like a baby, i'll show them i'll prove that i can be, hardcore

I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation, i think i do

Bearspider, we all are going to die

He might be only part of your life, for him you are his everything the only person in his whole life

I missed you, just kidding i threw up on your pillow

I am learning to drive this stick shift car, stay back please

Well, girls are like a piping hot slice of pie, eight years later

Found this on my brother's desk, he's 23

It's always wrong time to enjoy asian food

If you die over the age of 90, they shouldn't even be allowed to call it dying, that's called winning the game

Shall we conversation? yes, we're having weather, much weather

No, the dog can't sleep there, i'm using it

On second thought maybe frostred flakes aren't that great

Now you're just some bunny that i used to gnaw

Everyone asks, what does the fox say, no one asks how does the fox feel?

I fear neither death nor pain, what do you fear my lady, a cage

Ges wat ryme wit obits, dnt kno aragurn, fagits

Why can't jeff live with his family? He hasn't spoken to his dad in years, and his mom ran away before he was born, how could she do that?

My ex-boyfriend dumped me at a halloween party with all my friends, we were both dressed as amy winehouse

About a year ago, someone asked how much you smoke, you said 81 blunts a day, is that true? it's probably about 75 now

Not sure if human has been gone for 5 minutes, or 5 years

Toilet paper in a box! is it my birthday?

I love my boyfriend very much so i made him a necklace with my blood in it, dude run

If there was an award for laziness, i'd probably send someone to pick it up for me

I'm constantly trying to prove something to myself, like i can eat that whole pizza by myself

Look, i'm a hooman, get off da counter don't eat mai fud, dur dur dur dur

This soup is so hot, frodo wants to toss the ring in it

The humans have wised up, they've protected the chicken with a force field

As he listened to the sounds of the grandchildren arriving, hobart prayed that the lock on the bathroom door would hold

Waht if i tlod u, accualy is dolan

If i just keep looking cute, they'll surely blame the dog

I packed you a lunch for school, i hope you like it

I'll have you know, that i did the whole warm up without taking a break

Giant three headed ago, oh you mean fluffy

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, don't teach a man to fish and you feed yourself, he's a grown man fishing's not that hard

Is this all the eggs we have? what are you making? eggs

Saw hedgehog cake on pinterest, nailed it

Passed out drunk with half of a burrito in my pocket, breakfast in bed