Dude, your beard's slipping

I work out, just kidding i take naps

Fastest man in the world, power walks, catches him and kills him

If someone tells you they had a crush on you in high school, it's very likely that they still do

Asian female drivers, even when its a game they still find a way to crash it

What do you mean, santa's got enough reindeer

A rose is not a good symbol for love, roses wilt, i will not give you a rose or even flowers, our love is forever so here is a nokia phone

My hedgehog passed away a few months ago, so my friend made me a hero's portrait to commemorate his life

Sorry sir, it's barkinson's

This baby owl hit our window, gave us this look the whole time, your forcefield displeases me, as does your interior decorating, help am i cry

Take wife's car out for a spin, just buys herself a new one

All this wonderful dialogue, that i can never ever quote

Nsa scanning websites with keywords like terrorist, 90% of them probably about counter strike

If you were a potato you'd be a sweet potato If I was a potato I'd be a baked potato

Time to make woofles

Apple store, everything was expensive

Are you ignoring me because i'm korean - you're chinese - oh there's a difference?

You're 21 years old already, i think that teddy bear has to go, mother one does not simply throw mr cuddles away

Guy i have a crush on since forever finally says hi in class, you're so much cuter than your facebook pictures

She said she likes me as a friend

Oh that's a really great song, let's listen to it a thousand times until we hate it forever

Stalks crush on facebook, accidentally likes status from 2009

Dr. House, i've heard your name, most people have, it's also a noun

You've put so much ginger in this, it's a weasley

Has never met you and will never see you again, flashes brights to let you know a cop is ahead

Doctor, my wife is pregnant, she is having pain right now, is this her first child, no this is her husband speaking

If you don't like strangers telling you how to parent, control your spawn in public

Penny you're the smartest person in the class, well except for the chang triplets

You claimed you would pay me back on friday, your brand new xbox determined that was a lie

It's really difficult to be a human, like have you ever done something awkward and then thought about it for 8 years?

After 150 days of eating clean the rock allowed himself a legendary cheat day, 12 pancakes, 4 double dough pizzas and 21 brownies

My best suit taken, you've gotta be kitten me

Stop the presentation, that dot has returned

Dad stop mething around

Who gets arrested above the sea, spongebob

Call tech support, my mouse is dead

My face when, i'm finally next to the person who wouldn't let me over

Can't wait for annual reports to come out, my curiosity is killing me

The red dot seems to be attracted to powerpoint, i will make a presentation to lure it in

Jesse we have to cook

Excuse me, i mustache you a question

I don't believe in the moon, i think it's just the back of the sun

Oh, baby on board i better crash the other car

We need to focus on the 4th quarter, i batted the first three under the couch

I can get this done, no strings attached, get out

There are new boxes in the office, we must see if we can fit in them

Office computer is overheating, i will get right on it

I don't care about time bottom line, unless you drag it slowly across the carpet

Barely gets screen time everyones favorite character on show, i know right

Please bring your laptop to the meeting, so i can sit on the keyboard