The bottom half of her face is smiling, but the top of half of her face wants to murder you

I'm so horny i'd eat a dong right now, hungry for dong, dog, fridge auto cucumber, i give up

Water and presence of whales found on jupiter by indian satellite, satellite launched by india found in arabian sea

Am i the only one that knows the stereotypical heart shape was meant to be two hearts fused together?

I hate it when link comes into my house and breaks all my posts

When i was a kid, i'd get excited and imagine the cookies i was about to eat, but when i opened it nothing but sewing equipment

I get it, it ain't makin me laugh, but i get it

I couldn't find my headphones and its late at night, solution, get a stethoscope and put it up to the speaker with the computer on low volume

I have trying to get on jury duty every year since i was 18 years old, to get to go sit in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for.. that is the life

Drunk, got the dominos guy to buy me mcdonalds in the special instructions section

Shake! This is the convention where i go to buy my japanese animes!

Thank you, i couldn't have saved lois without your help. I'm aware of that

Love is all you need? False. You need water and rations

Master wayne, what is the point in all those pushups when you can't even life a bloody log?

Hey carl have you seen my blue...

This is the love of my life, fridget. She always fed me and made sure i was taken care of and i took care of her.

I think this is a cool story bro, but let me call my buddy who's an expert on cool stories

The world judges me by the decisions i make, never does it see the options i had to choose from

I don't always watch movies where someone is trapped underwater, but when i do, i hold my breath until they surface

Hey you seem tired, i'll make up imaginary scenarios of you winning arguments with strangers

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of other plastic bags somewhere in their house or is it just me?

My human buys me a toy every time she goes to the mall, i'm running out of storage space under the couch

You can't just buy superpowers, Oh yeah, tell that to Batman

Creepers, y u no respect personal space?

Wondering whether to hurl yourself through a window when someone sits next to you on an empty bus

Whatever you do don't lick the chocolate frogs

Go ahead, try to lift me higher, i am infinite, i am eternal

For just a few dollars you can stop this

I'm having serious relationship issues! My bf says he wants to see other girls and i don't how to convince him to stay with me, seriously any advice welcom - It's simple, we kill the batman

So why for an example did you set your drummer on fire during a concert - He was cold

I have a belt that holds up my pants, but my pants have loops that hold up the belt, what's really going on down there, who's the real hero?

The wife discovers browser history, author unknown, oil on canvas, 1768

I always just figured my wife was my soul mate, but if it's not marge, who is it? Where do i begin looking? This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman

Your parcel has cleared the security check

3 years in jail for stealing my nose

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, hey look that one is shaped like an idiot

I hate when i'm trying to pull the blankets up and i punch myself in the face

Though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil

Soldier dies, no one notices, some dude from glee overdoses and everyone loses their mind

Day 11, the dog still thinks i'm fur, day 626 she still hasn't figured it out

Has an iphone,mac,xbox,internet,pocket money more than most families budget, not happy at all - Use rock as a camera, the happiest kid in the world

Earth, fire, wind, water, heart, by your powers combined, i am captain planet

Questions if it's safe to ride, has a tiger for a pet

I haven't seen my boyfriend in over a week - Call of duty black ops 2

Single and ready 2 flamingle

It's sad how wile e. coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliant paintings of tunnels

You know what, mr bag, i will have a nice day - I'm gonna hang you in the kitchen, and fill you with other bags - You will eat your family

An entire bottle of wine fits in a starbucks trenta cup - Challenge accepted

This is were high scores are made

The dragon with the girl tattoo