Posts

Kindergarden graduation, congratulations, you didn't eat enough crayons or paste to kill yourself, have a sticker

What are you, an idiot sandwich

I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times, i'm outta here

So why would i care what somebody thinks about me, that doesnt effect my money

It's all mine har har

Expects to be treated like a car, refuses to make to vroom vroom noises

My entire grocery list is based on what goes best with sriracha

Turn me over, you just took orders from a rock

I'll be keeping my eye on you, what's your name, pea tear griffin, peter griffin

I just thought maybe i could take you out, take me out of what, my comfort zone?

I once told a woman i was kevin costner, and it worked because i believe it

But you said he was all right, he's lost his left hand so he's going to be all right

The funniest vines always have black people in them so look i hired a black guy, say something funny black guy, actually my background's in accounting

Mom can you give me money, to buy ice-cream, yes ice cream, what does this mean, i think a 12 year was trying to make a joke about weed

There's always that child at church that stares at you like they know all you sins

Pawnee is cheap and we like it here, and chicago seems like there's a lot of stuff to do and people, but i like to do nothing with no one

Hikers and bikers, move to the side of the road when a vehicle approaches

Do you want to know what i think,who cares what you think, you're a girl!

That one dad, he called me a gecko

I bought cs:go a week ago, now i can speak native russian

Playing counter-strike at airport without headphones, bomb has been planted

All the dialogue is either whispered or screamed, everything in the movie is on fire

I dont know why i drink, i always either get laid or fired, i have to start drinking, i like those odds

How is it i detest every article of clothing i own, but when i want to throw something away, i develop this deep sentimental relationship with it

The less i know about other people's affairs, the happier i am, i'm not interested about caring about people, i once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name, best friend i ever had, we still never talk sometimes

Look at me i'm a grad student i'm 30 years old and i made $600 last year, bart don't make fun of grad students, they just made a terrible life choice

Delivering chinese food all day can be depressing, like when people yell out food's here, as if they have a family but i know they are alone

How are we supposed to spot kristen with all this smoke, use the wipers

Wisest jedi ever to live, gets his mind blown by a flashlight

What are cooties, when i was a boy that's what we called the germs you got from girls, you mean like chlamydia?

Congress should wear jackets like nascar drivers, so we can know who bought them

$26000, do you know how many songs i have to write to make back that much money, one

What's your phobia, manual labour

Em clarkson, bbc please take him back, he's started cooking

15 seasons mostly aired on public tv, has uploaded every episode to youtube

Tell me sir mittens, what does mine kingdom think of me, they appear to tolerate you, your grace, marvelous