Not all heros wear capes, toilet paper, little brother, child

Egg, one of the most popular forms of child to eat

Music I play when I'm wearing headphones, music I play when someone passes me the aux cord

Deletes facebook, deletes twitter, deletes instagram, leave country live in himalayas, pigeon comes with note: we've updated our privacy policy

A guide to online gaming: we are supposed to be a unit, suck my unit

When job interviews be like when can you start? I can clock in right now wassup

When u accidentally hit the gas in neutral and the person next to you revs their engine back so you realize you just got yourself a street race

Nasa sent pictures of humans into space, so before aliens have even met us, we already sent nudes

I've been in 7 car accidents this year, y'all can't tell me God doesn't have a plan for me, girl it sound like he tryna kill you

What's wrong? Nothing. I'm a doctor not your husband

Am duck please throw bread quack

First message from deep space, we have updated our privacy policy

Me: i'm just gonna restart my computer real quick, windows update: you just activated my trap card

When everyone is saying yanny or laurel but you hear reclaim jerusalem

My iphone was stolen and every time they take a picture it gets uploaded to my icloud, if you know who this is please help, that man has an rpg, you're not getting your phone back

if i'm up first and she's still asleep, if she's up first and i'm still asleep

Are you twins in real life, no it's quite a weird story, we met at the audition

When it's almost summer and all the annoying creatures are showing up again

Maws new bf is staying over tonight, just done a shite with the door open so he knows who's boss around these parts

Who else peels their strawberries? Crackheads

Is this your son, nah i just bought this baby, straight cash

When first they took your 13 colonies and now they're taking your grandsons

Teacher catches you with snack: did you bring enough to share with everybody, me: death is a preferable alternative to communism

How the american president arrives, how the dutch prime minister arrives

If i win the lottery i'm not telling anyone, but you will know

Being different doesn't matter if you're useless

When you're plotting a car crash, but remember you already used that idea once before

Yo yogurt, yoplait

When you restart your computer and skype starts up automatically, why are you running?

The same 10 songs since 2012, me

Parents: stop joking around and grow up, me: look a hat

When ur telling ur grandparents about your job and they have no clue what you are talking about but they're supportive

When you google one question and find a quizlet for the whole test

When your man is having a rough day and says nothing can fix it, i hope she's doing this for free her ears of hair to listen to my problems

When you get bored so you deconstruct a pen and then put it back together - You know, i'm something of a scientist myself

Hey you wanna get kicked out of this class? It's my dream

Me: open a bag of snack in another room, my dog: