I was abandoned by my parents when i was a child i was raised by horses, i was abandoned by the horses too, then a pro-wrestler took me in

Why does the human slave keep stealing my poop with a tiny shovel?

Egg Benedict served on a hubcap, because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise

Live fast pet dogs

Forget the past you cannot change it, forget the future you cannot predict it, forget the present i didn't get you one

Now you're the expert, is this enough to get 20 people plastered, 15 bottles of vodka, yeah that should do it

I have three kids and no money, why can't i have no kids and three money?

it's a totally original story, i play a young girl whose family i murdered, and he plays an asassin who takes her in and trains her for revenge, shoot her first

When someone says haven't you eaten enough?

The clock malfunctioned and it seems a little past nein, 9:22

Me 5 seconds after ordering something online, track package

When someone has explained something to u 7 times and u still don't get it and u hope they forgive how stupid u are

We used to wrap his presents in lead foil, so he couldn't peek, you mean santa wrapped them

20000 mil para mata o bigodudo da upp ass:trem

It is the season when you suddenly start to break dance

When you die but get a grenade kill

40 thousand years of evolution and we barely even tapped the vastness of human potential

When you don't have a good excuse after your homie beats you in an online 2k match, ol reliable, i was lagging bro

Me waking up every morning, booting in insecure mode

This horse looks like a pale emo kid in a black hoodie

He took up two spaces but bought two tickets, i can live with that

Increasing the temperature bit by bit during your shower to see how much your body can take

This gorilla looks like he wants pictures of spiderman on his desk by noon

With the rise of self driving vehicles these days, it's only a matter of time before there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him

The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands, me: claps hands, lie detector goes crazy

1300s: i'm dying of black plague, 1800s: i'm working 16 hour days, 1900s: i'm off to fight a war, 2000s: i'm offended

When you turn your head and the snapchat filter goes away

Ever wonder if asians make fun of caucasians? rook at me, my name is erizabeth and i am from ros angeres

If Mike Wazowski doesn't appear in a minute i will be very disappointed

I'm sorry Jesus, i had to delete Bible app for the software update, it's cool, i have to delete some names for the Book of Life update

Happy birthday griff, lead designer font savant and the only person that knows how to uptade this sign

After getting rid of your girlfriend, silence and money

Waiter there's a hare in my pancakes

I'm a full grown man, and i still pretend i'm loading a magazine into a handgun when i'm swapping drill batteries

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself? Me: verbally, but i've also prepared a dance

As you can see their is a constant increasement, budget, silvia, let's use spreadsheets next meeting we have with the shareholders

No one heals themselves by wounding another, paras used giga drain

We don't call 911, when granpappy was choking on a chicken bone we shot him

Smoked before my ID picture so when i get pulled over high i look normal

Christmas tip, wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree, everytime your child acts up throw one in the fireplace

Man you go through life you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch them in the face, and for what?

Bear attack tip, if attacked play dead, it will be good practice for when you die a couple a minutes later

Tfw you realize trump respects turkeys more than women, am i allowed to touch it?

Me walking past the dishes in the sink after thanksgiving like

Thinking quickly, dave constructs a homemade megaphone, using only some string, a squirrel, and a megaphone

What does it look like i do for a living, solve mysteries with a dog

Cop: your car smells like marijuana, me: whoever smelt it dealt it, gosh dangit, ur under arrest

This cat looks like it just got knocked out in an anime

When ur thinking about having that third donut