I dont know why i drink, i always either get laid or fired, i have to start drinking, i like those odds

How is it i detest every article of clothing i own, but when i want to throw something away, i develop this deep sentimental relationship with it

The less i know about other people's affairs, the happier i am, i'm not interested about caring about people, i once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name, best friend i ever had, we still never talk sometimes

Look at me i'm a grad student i'm 30 years old and i made $600 last year, bart don't make fun of grad students, they just made a terrible life choice

Delivering chinese food all day can be depressing, like when people yell out food's here, as if they have a family but i know they are alone

How are we supposed to spot kristen with all this smoke, use the wipers

Wisest jedi ever to live, gets his mind blown by a flashlight

What are cooties, when i was a boy that's what we called the germs you got from girls, you mean like chlamydia?

Congress should wear jackets like nascar drivers, so we can know who bought them

$26000, do you know how many songs i have to write to make back that much money, one

What's your phobia, manual labour

Em clarkson, bbc please take him back, he's started cooking

15 seasons mostly aired on public tv, has uploaded every episode to youtube

Tell me sir mittens, what does mine kingdom think of me, they appear to tolerate you, your grace, marvelous

A student at philadelphia university has created a batman costume that can withstand punches, machetes, and baseball bats, in fact the only thing it can't withstand is his father's disappointment

Okay here, a napkin, turn it over, to sheldon live long and prosper leonard nimoy, sorry the napkin's dirty he wiped his mouth with it, i posses the dna of leonard nimoy, all i need is a healthy ovum and i can grow my own leonard nimoy, all i'm giving you is the napkin sheldon