If you love someone, set them free, if you hate someone set them free, basically set everyone free and get a dog, people are stupid

I can't remember if i took my malaria pills this morning, if i were a girl i'd be pregnant a lot

Lord vader, an escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, should we search for survivors on tatooine, no i dont like sand it's coarse and rough and get everywhere

My wife is a muslim and not a terrorist but i'm scared of her anyway

During a disaster we evacuate women and children first, so we can think about a solution in silence

How british people shower, the same as you, you idiot, we get nice and wet, then we get the teabags

Will will smith smith? yes, will smith will smith

I am your father's brothers nephew's cousin's former roommate

Smoke detector beeping, yes i was the first one out, i've heard women and children first, but we do not employ children, and women are equal in the workplace by law

I don't think you're supposed to smoking during class, this isn't a cigarette, it's a lollypop, smoke doesn't come out of a lollypop, that's because i'm licking it so fast

Yeah i got responsabilities now, sponserberleries, that means i'm not allowed to have fun anymore for the rest of my life

I'm doing my best sir, please don't bark at me

Girl are you a zero apr loan, because i don't relly understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest, please stop

What do we want? Respectful discourse, when do we want it? now would be agreeable to me, but i am interested in your opinion

That moment when your friend's hairy arm looks like a cat

I do not wish to watch you whip, nor would i like to see you nay nay

I declare bankruptcy, i just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen, i didn't say it, i declared it

Nurse, the first person you see after saying hold my beer and watch this

But every religion says there's a soul bart, why would they lie, what would they have to gain?

Some old hippie, caught another hippie, tripping on acid

Dad is iron man, wear a batman shirt/belt buckle

Eat nothing but cheese, then get a bubble bath

How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?

Decorating a cubicle is like building a museum of all the things that used to bring you joy before you started this job

My boyfriend likes to plays video games, i prefer to stare at marked slices of trees and hallucinate vividely for hours on end

Sharon says her current payment of benefits doesn't give her enough money to put food on the table, i think sharon is lying

This kid is here jumping on trampolines with two broken legs but you can't text back

Electrolytes its what plants crave

You can't run through a campground you can only ran, because it's past tents

Why Donald Trump's wife always look like she's trying to understand a joke she just heard

When you see a comma in your bank account

Exercise, i thought you said extra fries

When you see something online you weren't supposed to see

All right now pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken, actually i'm vegan, then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat, maybe it is a shoe

Like where does she keep getting these weapons, that outfit has no pockets

So i said to mummy, if my lunchbox is not entirely organic by monday i'm calling social services, quite frankly, sophie if you don't i will

How dare you say that to my face, well i'd say it behind your back but my car's only got a half a tank of gas

If you ever feel lonely, never forget that curiosity is programmed to sing happy birthday to itself every year

So let's have a pizza with extra cheese, no anchovies, if you please, no crack, no smack, no angel dust

Bro, do you want to be seen or not?

No pictures, i object to any recording storage, broadcast, and other use of my image

This is really a mexican champagne, it is i don't mess around, all right, that is tequila

Lol, you're a funny guy, i'm going to kill you last

Game of thrones, end of season 5, start of season 6

I always wear my seatbelt yolo

Some say that a dogs sense of smell can be 1000 times better than yours, true

Orange, can't eat this before all the white stuff is removed

Thank you craft beer breweries for making my drinking problem seem like a neat hobby

Dihydrogen monoxide, is deliberately sprayed on organic crops

All you need to know about the american health care system is that there's a popular tv series, where a man turns to cooking industrial quantities of crystal meth in order to pay his hospital bills