Sorry, no dumping in the lake, i will put my yard trimmings in a car compactor, i think there was a dead body in there, i thought that too, until he said yard trimmings, gotta learn to listen Lou

Excuse me sir, your steroids are touching me

Wait a minute, those were the droids we were looking for

Shh baby i ain't gonna treat you like the others

When your dog has a more human name than you

Machine will not accept change, it does seem rigid in its ideology

Snake risks his life to save drowning fish

I'm sorry but spanish doesn't seem natural to me, i don't like the way it hits my ear, what could be more natural than your mother's tongue in your ear

Every man owns a picnic table shirt

Thanksgiving, or why don't you have a girlfriend and lets not forget the sequel, why are you on english major

Americans, ready your turkey and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in hell

Black friday, when people trample others for cheap goods mere hours after being thankful for what they already have

Your tears say more than real evidence ever could

Kenneth's the best, he knows what i want before i do, who's hungry, i wanted waffles, all cheer

Vandalism is more fun when you know what to write

That awkward moment when your thermostat, is actually just hanging on a nail, and doesn't control the temperature whatsoever, shout out to the best landlords ever

That's why there's the snooze bar, nothing like starting off the day with a little procrastination, as my first decision of the day, i will go back to sleep

I'm having such a good hair day, no one even knows #muslimrage

Every person starts as a level 0 wizard.

I love this picture, but i just have to ask, is that a piece of poo at 1 o'clock in the picture

If i got a dollar every time someone told me to name my future kid batmo i'd almost have enough to pay for therapy for a kid named batmo

You can name her whatever you like but be sure it's something you can remember, you'll be using it as a security question answer for the rest of your life

Sniper bullet can go through 5 heads, it takes 2 shots to brake a window

As the plane hurtled towards the ground at six hundred miles an hour everybody around me was scared, crying and hugging each other, i wasn't worried at all, you see i was wearing my seat belt

Eli can you pass the ham, on second thought you better let peyton do it

I don't know all the names of my cousins, and at this point i'm too afraid to ask

Doesn't die from 20 bullets to the chest, dies from 1 knife to the foot

I'm thankful for myself for being myself

Mexican americans dont have protest when the cops chut a vato, because they know the pendejo proly deserves it

I don't know what kind of dinosaur they cooked up in that lab, and at this point i'm too afraid to ask

Take heart, no matter how much you screw up, you'll never ever have to tell your boss sir i toppled that 290 million dollar noaa-n prime satellite right onto the shop floor

He says i'm gonna pick your avocados old man, what would prompt you to do something so stupid, guacamole

Given two years to live in 1963, revolutionizes physics for the next half a century

Somebody got either stood up or their heart broken

I'm so white, during the riots i went out and bought a television

Watch Cary Grant nudge the other actor to let him know he's supposed to be leaning from the sharp turn

In Mr. Nanny no one seemed to notice when they saw a man throw a dog into the ocean

In the Little Mermaid, during King Triton's entrance you can see goofy, donald and mickey in the crowd

I don't know our thanksgiving plans, and at this point i'm too afraid to ask

When you got engaged, people were devasted by the news, one girl wasn't

An island full of live dinosaurs, will that work, it never does but somehow these people delude themselves into thinking it will but it might work for us

Why do you wear women's clothes, they're not women's clothes, they're my clothes, i buy them

Missouri career center, the only building untouched in the ferguson riots

There are only 49 stars on that flag, i'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before i recognize missouri

In remembrence of michael brown, pants to be flown at half mast

You need to start worrying about your own body, when is the last time you had a carrot, it's my least favorite type of cake, so rarely, if i absolutely have to i'll just eat the frosting

Spared no expense, are these ford explorers, ok spared some expense

Let's say you're a cocaine dealer and you kind of look like one a little bit

Happy leave ferguson day

During the filming of return of the dragon, chuck norris stored his beard on his chest