New employees are friends, not food

Last night i dreamt my flour sack was abducted, and the kidnappers started sending me muffins in the mail

We're going to disney, and i have no idea because i can't read yet

Childhood trauma soap, maybe if you smelled good your parents would love you

At cornell university there is an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope, is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe, roger if i were using that microscope right now, i still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem

These are medium rare, what if somebody wants theirs well done, we ask them politely yet fimly to leave

Potheads say marijuana is good for you because it's natural, but just because it's natural doesn't make it completely safe, do you wanna know what else is natural, bears

Ate 4 boxes of thin mints not feeling thin at all

It infuriates me when people tell me lifes too short to not forgive people, like no lifes too short for me to continually allow abusive and manipulative behavior in my life and live in a constant state of anxiety because i want to be nice or whatever

Red carpet insole, everywhere i go i'm walking on red carpet

Go to the winchester have a pint and wait for this all to blow over

I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since i was 18 years old, to get to go sit in an air conditioned room downtown judging people, while my lunch is paid for, that is the life

I'm still fat, i did just what you said - no cookies no candy, well it's only been three hours

Man so much asian stuff, i wonder if there's a guy in chine right now looking at a bunch of our stuff

Who ever stole my gps last night you might as well have the rest of the cable's and instructions

And here we see a wild bus drinking water from a river

Bart can i try that sometime, nelson sure, never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun

BP isn't the only one doing a little offshore drilling

We have purposely trained him wrong as a joke

You pay over 100.000$ for college, and instead of studying you get drunk

Just put my tweet on tv so i can feel like i accomplished something

Humans were drinking alcohol five thousand years ago, and they're still drinking it now, alcohol is humanity's friend, can i abandon a friend?

What if our use of emojis gradually becomes so extensive that we actually circle back to writing in hieroglyphics?

You may have a cat or plants, not both

I can see the bottom of the bowl, you are trying to starve me

By the way these candies you gave me they sucked, but you ate all of them, i had to make sure they all sucked

Sensei, i dont think you're supposed to smoking during class, this isn't a cigarette, it's a lollypop, smoke doesn't come out from a lollypop, that's because i am licking it so fast

Why are cubs fans best to date, they aren't expecting a ring

Dad, yes zelda, are you mixing me up with the princess again, hardto say you're both pretty magical

I think it's time we stopped the als ice bucket challenge

Help me shampoo, you're my only soap

Goats are like mushrooms, if you shoot a duck i'm scared of toasters

I'm not laughing, i haven't laughed since my wife died, why did you laugh when your wife died?

He's called joshua, if from the Bible it means the Deliverer, no he isnt, i speak horse he's called susan, and he wants you to respect his life choices

I believe we need to renegotiate, the terms of this leash

Lets show the best part in the last 30 secs, so they all have to wait a whole week to see how it ends

I'll tell you exactly why i'm angry at you, said no girlfriend ever

You can be cool, but you will never be legolas stair surfing while shooting orcs cool

Hello, many of us are single if you see something you like please tap on glass

Those who donate the $100 for als research rather than dump ice water on themselves, you da real mvp

You made me watch all 8 harry potter movies, i dont even like harry potter, that's insane you love harry potter, you've seen all 8 movies

Well the resolution's too poor it won't help much to enhance it

You will lead millions, willingly or as slaves

This is called ninety mile beach because it is exactly 55 miles long, i don't understand that either

Ted we found you in the park throwing rocks at old couples, why should they be happy?

They think your haircuts are un-american, it was very observant of them because we aren't american actually

50 shades of sponge

Try taco bell breakfast they said, it'll be good they said

If this was another country, we'd have to tell you that this coffee may be hot, good thing this is canada

I request the highest of fives