Babe, i'm hungry you ready to eat, so my ex texted me, what did he say

One day on mercury lasts approximately 1408 hours, the same as one monday on earth

How does a bill work, that's a easy one billy, corporations write the bill and then they bribe congress until it becomes a law

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are

Ok, 329, i am 329th in line and nobody forget it

Get out of my face clown, which one

My job here is done, but you didn't do anything

I love being a father but there are a few things i miss, silence the absence of noise, one single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children tv program called doc mcstuffins, there is no quiet anymore, there is only doc mcstuffins

Me, getting stabbed in the head again, lol what can you do

Tracy the fcc is goint to fine you personally $50.000, anyone want to buy half this watch

Crying, but i don't like pistachio, then why did you ask for it

When you find out the cost of an ambulance ride in america

What's an empty old suit of armor doing in the driver seat of this pick-up, maybe he went out for the knight

Omg steve irwin, best day ever

We've examined your stool sample, and it was delicious

This is my little brother carlton, he knows we can't afford new clothes so he just doesn't grow

I totally just put bacon on my veggie burger, i do what i want

Why does she get one, and not me, it's not fair, you're never gonna get the same things as other people, it's never gonna be equal, its not gonna happen ever in your life so you must learn that now okay,

Oh you ordered some pizza, thats funny because i ordered some sits

How would you like it if twenty years from now people laughed at things you did, episode aired april 28, 1994

If you replace the w in when, what, and where with a t, you answer the question

We've had a great time together but we're too different, i don't understand, it's like i'm dc comics and you're marvel i understand completely

Spends 2 weeks fixing a huge bug in code that appears to be unfixable, problem missing period

Who's a better superhero thor or loki, thor, why would you say that, because he can knock people down with just his hammer, see who needs a hammer, i did it with my bare hands

How great would it be if obama's middle name was lee, helo it is i barack lee, it'd be obama lee barack, yes our president's name is obama barack you got me

I mean my lifelong dream is to live in jurassic park times, 1993

When you're the cashier and two people are arguing over who pays

I would like to be president someday so no i have not smoked marijuana, i ate a brownie once at a party in college, it was intense, it was kind of indescribable actually, i felt like i was floating, turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownies, it was just an insanely good brownie

Don't make me run, i'm full of chocolate

Huskies, doing what ever they want since always

Tries to make grilling toy fun for boys and girls, still makes girl wash dishes

You're very handsome, don't let anyone tell you any different, they don't

My father is a women's rights activist, your dad, yeah, not your mom, no dad wouldn't allow that

I'll give you a winter prediction, it's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life

Say it to my face bro, i deer you

Dude what is your street name, lil marco, you live on a street called lil marco, oh you meant my address

No one believes i beat the last level of mortal kombat, because that's just ridiculous, no one beats sub-zero

Hipster peer pressure come on no one else is doing it

We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas

I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since i was 18 years old, to get to go sit in an air conditioned room, downtown judging people while my lunch is paid for that is the life

Goodnite sweet prince, such rest, cant move, bug in rug lol, shiburrito wow

What that airplane tasted just like peas

Hamlet, the story is as old as time, pretty boy son has a rich daddy and a good looking mommy, the uncle kills daddy marries mommy, and cuts pretty boy out of the action so junior goes crazy and kills them all, isn't that the plot to the lion king

I know this obsession with thinness is unhealthy and anti-feminist, but that's what a fat girl would say

What y'all doing you know the door is locked

Describe your perfect date, that's a tough one, i'd have to say april 25th because it's not too hot and not too cold, all you need is a light jacket

Another rare case of a parenting costume win

I'm on a seafood diet i see food and i eat it

Not every person knows how to love a dog, but every dog knows how to love a person

It's better to be rude and hated by few than to be nice and taken for granted by many