A fly just flew in my ear now i think it's eating my brain, it's gonna starve

I don't care any time people are talking about what they've done in the movies, i always just kinda say yeah but did your head crawl across the desert on a tortoise and they shut up

You gained weight for this role, is that right - i did, they didn't ask me to

Every single friday this kid just shows up dressed as link i love this school, does he talk, he does but whenever someone calls his name for roll call he just goes heuh

Look at random girl's facebook for 3 seconds, renames facebook to her name in most visited

Keyboard waffles part of a nerds good breakfast, ctrl alt del-icious

Can i pour you a draft mr peterson, a little early isn't it woody, for a beer, no for stupid questions

Did you ever buy that boat? i don't want to talk about it

Sir are you aware you are a cat?

They told me i could be anything i wanted, so i became a ballon

Do not let the cats out, they will try to run out when you open the door, the big one will act like he isn't interested in going outside and then he will run out

You never really bought these, they just kinda appeared

You may be cool but you will never be mongolian wolf hunter riding home holding the eagle he used to hunt the pelts he's wearing cool

Why are you shirtless, why do you think, because you're poor

Trick used in japan to make drivers slow down, next day after knowing this trick

Today i came across goats playing on a trampoline while driving around and it was the happiest thing i've ever seen

Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye, remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their minds

A cop just came to my house and told use we needed to evacuate and my dad was like no

My buddy just got back from vacation, but his cat is still pissed at him for leaving

In 2035, kids will wonder why the phone app has such a weird icon

So i said my name was lord voldemort and this was what was on my cup, he who shall not be named

I is givin u moar bytes

I heard you were bitten by a king cobra, yeah i was, but after five days of excruciating pain the cobra died

I have a large vocabulary that i can't use around my half-retarded friends

Every time you think why do cole and dylan do that with their hair, remember we could have had a disney singing career, so you owe us

Knock, knock - who's there - doctor - doctor who - correct

It's uncomfortably hot in my room, but i need to feel the weight of covers on me to fall asleep

No Bubbles, have mercy, mercy is for the weak

I can't believe i'm spending half my saturday picking up garbage, i mean, half these bottles aren't even mine

Clownspider, because clowns and spiders aren't terrifying enough on their own

Yeah if you could stop replacing every single thing with minions that would be great

Home is where the wifi connects automatically

You know what really grinds my gears, that home boo boo is on the learning channel

Last time i ate a salad was never

I'm not watching breaking bad tonight because i'm a real fan who got addicted to crystal meth and sold my tv

The mullet theory, it blocks the sun therefore i can't get a red neck

So my brother was doing weird in the front yard in his underwear, and the next thing i know - Do you live in a sims game

Making my way downtown i just snorted so violently i hurt my own throat

I won a contest - deep masculine voice - congratulations man

Me after 10 sit ups, where are my abs i give up!

So you're telling me, that some kid named kenny has died more times than i have?

Do you have any history of mental illness in your family, i have an uncle who does yoga

Your parents are hiding your hogwarts acceptance letter because they're jealous

The oldest and youngest medal of honor recipitants together

Slenderman the college years

Not now beer, i'm trying to study

Let's release all the awesome games when school starts

Trying to be confident with your body, i'm fat let's party

I was told there would be cake

I got chinese food if you're hungry, but i forgot the fried rice, oh please